The Rogues' Guide to Europe: Sex, Drugs, and Hostels

PART I: Preparations

Chapter 1: How Much is This Going to Cost Me (I Mean My Parents)? The Rogue's Economic Analysis of Backpacking in Europe

Chapter 2: Identification Please, Suspiciously Strung Out Greasy Studente Americano: Passports and Other Forms of Identity (Cards)

Chapter 3: Immunizations - Needles Aren’t Just For Heroin Anymore

Chapter 4: Booking a Flight and Other Frightening Information About Airlines

Chapter 5: Itineraries (Because There Are Other Places to Go to Besides Hell…or Amsterdam)

Chapter 6: Rail Passes - Quick and Dirty

Chapter 7: Packing - Let The Monkey on Your Back Be the Only Thing Weighing You Down

Chapter 8: Traveling Companions (You Wish You Had Friends)

Chapter 9: Cash, Credit and Barter: Ways to Pay For Alcohol and Sex

Chapter 10: References: Wherein We Review Other Travel Books From the Rogues’ Perspective

Interlude: Arrival (A Dramatization)

PART II: What to Expect In Europe (Where Underage Drinking is a Way of Life)

Chapter 11: Places to Sleep (Besides in a Pool of Your Own Vomit)

Chapter 12: Laundry - Only Necessary If You Plan to Date

Chapter 13: Transportation—Large Speeding Objects Taking You From Place to Place

Chapter 14: Telephone and Internet, Because America is Far Away and Your Boyfriend IS Cheating On You

Interlude: I Don’t Speak the Language For the Tourist in All of Us

Chapter 15: The Sights (i.e., Things to Talk to Your Parents About When You Get Home)

Chapter 16: Photos, Because You Can't Be Expected to Remember What You Did After Ten Shots of Jagermeister

Chapter 17: Souvenirs - Things to Bring Home Besides the Rash Basic Necessities (Food, Alcohol, Drugs, Sex)

Chapter 18: Eating Abroad (Think About It)

Chapter 19: How to Get Drunk (Like We Need to Tell You)

Chapter 20: Drugs (Just Say Hello)

Chapter 21: Sex—The Cherry on Top of the Sundae...and the Cream Underneath

Interlude: Daily Living (If You Could Only Be a Rogue) The Traveling Scene (Dealing With Old and New Friends)

Chapter 22: Temporary Friends and How to Make Them

Chapter 23: Group Dynamics, or When Bobby Wants Betty And Betty Wants Barry and Barry Hates Bobby Interlude: How to Impress a French Model Emergency!

Chapter 24: Police and Thieves (Shameless Clash Reference—Look It Up, NSYNCers)

Chapter 25: Healthcare, Because It's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye

Chapter 26: Public Facilities (Toilets) and the Weird Men Who Inhabit Them

The Section Containing Chapter 27

Chapter 27: In Case You Decide to Stay: Working Abroad Appendix: Charts and Tables That You’ll Probably Find Yourself Desperately Needing

The Rogue Philosophy

The first thing you must do is forget.

Forget about what you’re supposed to do when you visit Europe. Forget the museums, the churches, the Eiffel Tower, and Big Ben. Forget postcards and photographs of the Italian Coast. Forget spending hours searching for souvenirs for your aunt, uncle, grandma, and best friend’s girlfriend. Forget the things your parents told you about traveler’s checks, bus tours and fancy hotels. Forget about what your parents, boyfriend, girlfriend, boss, coworkers and grandparents say about Europe.

Now, relax.

Picture yourself lying on a grassy hillside near the center of Rome… A summer breeze gently rustling the trees… Somebody beautiful lying next to you in the shade… A bottle of wine between you… It’s 3 P.M. and… …you’re both passed out.

Welcome to the life of the Rogue.