The Rogues' Guide to Europe: Sex, Drugs, and Hostels

PART I: Preparations

Chapter 1: How Much is This Going to Cost Me (I Mean My Parents)? The Rogue's Economic Analysis of Backpacking in Europe

Chapter 2: Identification Please, Suspiciously Strung Out Greasy Studente Americano: Passports and Other Forms of Identity (Cards)

Chapter 3: Immunizations - Needles Aren’t Just For Heroin Anymore

Chapter 4: Booking a Flight and Other Frightening Information About Airlines

Chapter 5: Itineraries (Because There Are Other Places to Go to Besides Hell…or Amsterdam)

Chapter 6: Rail Passes - Quick and Dirty

Chapter 7: Packing - Let The Monkey on Your Back Be the Only Thing Weighing You Down

Chapter 8: Traveling Companions (You Wish You Had Friends)

Chapter 9: Cash, Credit and Barter: Ways to Pay For Alcohol and Sex

Chapter 10: References: Wherein We Review Other Travel Books From the Rogues’ Perspective

Interlude: Arrival (A Dramatization)

PART II: What to Expect In Europe (Where Underage Drinking is a Way of Life)

Chapter 11: Places to Sleep (Besides in a Pool of Your Own Vomit)

Chapter 12: Laundry - Only Necessary If You Plan to Date

Chapter 13: Transportation—Large Speeding Objects Taking You From Place to Place

Chapter 14: Telephone and Internet, Because America is Far Away and Your Boyfriend IS Cheating On You

Interlude: I Don’t Speak the Language For the Tourist in All of Us

Chapter 15: The Sights (i.e., Things to Talk to Your Parents About When You Get Home)

Chapter 16: Photos, Because You Can't Be Expected to Remember What You Did After Ten Shots of Jagermeister

Chapter 17: Souvenirs - Things to Bring Home Besides the Rash Basic Necessities (Food, Alcohol, Drugs, Sex)

Chapter 18: Eating Abroad (Think About It)

Chapter 19: How to Get Drunk (Like We Need to Tell You)

Chapter 20: Drugs (Just Say Hello)

Chapter 21: Sex—The Cherry on Top of the Sundae...and the Cream Underneath

Interlude: Daily Living (If You Could Only Be a Rogue) The Traveling Scene (Dealing With Old and New Friends)

Chapter 22: Temporary Friends and How to Make Them

Chapter 23: Group Dynamics, or When Bobby Wants Betty And Betty Wants Barry and Barry Hates Bobby Interlude: How to Impress a French Model Emergency!

Chapter 24: Police and Thieves (Shameless Clash Reference—Look It Up, NSYNCers)

Chapter 25: Healthcare, Because It's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye

Chapter 26: Public Facilities (Toilets) and the Weird Men Who Inhabit Them

The Section Containing Chapter 27

Chapter 27: In Case You Decide to Stay: Working Abroad Appendix: Charts and Tables That You’ll Probably Find Yourself Desperately Needing

TRAVELING COMPANIONS

Here's a short quiz: you're sitting around at a friend's house and you mention to her that you were thinking about going to Europe (a thought probably inspired by a rerun of the "Facts of Life Go to Paris" on cable). She says that she's always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower. Do you:

A. Tell her to buy a picture book? Or,

B. Say excitedly, "Why don't we go together?".

In the split-second before any words slip through your lips, remember this fact: the person with whom you travel will be the main factor in determining whether your trip will be a great life-changing experience or a guilt-ridden, depressing, anger-filled journey through Europe. We don't expect you to choose wisely. With that in mind, we've established some guidelines that will help keep you out of trouble:

Rogues' Rule No. 1: Don't mention to anyone you're planning to go to Europe unless you're willing to bring them along or turn them down.

Choosing A Travel Companion

Above all, use common sense when choosing a travel partner. You will be spending the vast chunk of your trip side by side with whomever you choose, probably every waking hour. You will eat, sleep (at least nearby), and fight with this person countless times. Like any close relationship, such as with a roommate or boyfriend, a travel relationship requires patience, understanding, and forgiveness. Make sure your companions possess these qualities, especially if you don't. Keep in mind, if you act like a jerk, your travel partner might let you drunkenly hook up with a forty-year-old Australian bartender.

An ideal travel partner should be someone with whom you get along well and who generally shares your approach to life. For instance, if you're frugal don't travel with someone who's extravagant. If you like to spend every waking moment taking in the sights, then please don't ask us to join you (or anyone else who prefers to relax in the sun on a grassy hillside between meals).

As we mention throughout this book, some of the best memories of European travel are shared after your adventure is over. We Rogues still laugh about the time Bret hit on the wrong girl (he wasn't wearing his contacts) or the time Greg got in an accident with an Italian motorbike. (Greg's Note: I'm just glad I didn't drop my beer.) Besides, who else but your travel buddy will believe you when you tell your friends back home about the crazy Italian scientist who, at 3 A.M. having just had a breakthrough (or, more likely, too much vino), scribbled, in permanent marker, the cure for cancer on the side of a bar.

Same Sex or Mixed

Sex is always a sticky issue (pun intended) especially when choosing a travel companion. We risk being needlessly sexist here but men and women often have different interests. Guys want to hit the Moulin Rouge for the strippers; girls want to hit the strip mall for rouge. While we don't advocate only traveling with members of your own gender, we strongly advise you to obey the following rule (believe us, it's for your own good):

Rule No. 2: Do not travel with anyone whom you want to sleep with or who wants to sleep with you.

Unrequited lust causes all kinds of problems, especially when you are trying to meet new people and jealously rears its ugly, dwarven head. Having said that, girls tend to want to meet boys and boys want to meet girls. Regardless of sexual preference, make sure your traveling companions have similar aims. If you're in a sexually mixed group, try and hang out with other mixed groups. That way everyone has someone to hit on. Whether they are interested in you or not, people get jealous when they have to endure the opposite sex being lavished with attention while they sit in a corner making conversation with a napkin.

A note to guys: Girls you meet will usually feel more comfortable with you if you already have a girl in your traveling group. It's further evidence that you're not just a horny psychopath.

A note to girls: Guys will automatically assume that if you're traveling with guys you are dating one of them.

How Many People Should You Travel With?

Ideally, you should travel in groups of two, three, or four. More is definitely not advised.

A Group of Two. At The Rogues' Guide, we obviously prefer traveling in a group of two. The only downside to a group of two is that an argument has to be resolved through maturity. No one else will be around to intercede. Unfortunately, maturity is in short supply (damn senior citizens are sucking it dry).

A Group of Three. In a group of three, someone is always available to act as a go-between during the usual conflicts over money, sex, lost railpasses, etc. A group of three also allows for a more solitary personality to spend the day alone without worrying about their friends' well being.

A Group of Four. A group of four will inevitably become two groups of two. The exact mix of these couplings will vary day by day. This is not a bad thing. You will have to make fewer compromises because someone else will almost always side with you. If rifts do develop in the group, then it can be split up without leaving someone to travel alone.

One benefit of traveling in a group of four is the ample availability of four person rooms. A four-person room is usually as cheap as four beds in a dormitory yet offer the privacy a dormitory cannot. A dorm bed is a hard sell to a person who values their privacy, especially when a quadruple is nearly equal price. However, we consider this a mixed blessing. Most lasting travel friendships are struck up in the close quarters of a shared room. Always staying in a four person room may limit your opportunity to make close friends beyond those already in your group.

Avoid Large Groups. If you've read the Rogues' Philosophy, then you already know that the richest part of any European experience comes through the people you meet. If you follow this bit of wisdom, you'll try to make yourself available to the possibility of meeting new people. Unfortunately, large groups severely restrict your opportunity to meet new people. Rarely will your group join up with any other group. It's already too large.

Worse perhaps, to the individual traveler, large groups are unapproachable. Few people are comfortable addressing a large group of people. A small group of two, or three is much less intimidating. An outsider cannot expect to connect with every member of a large group, leaving her always feeling slightly excluded. For this reason, even if a new person joins your group, it won't be for long.

Traveling With a Couple

Let's continue the earlier conversation: "Why don't we go together", you say excitedly to your friend, basking in your own spontaneity. "That sounds great", she responds in kind. For the next month or so travel plans are constantly on your lips. Then, amazingly, you both purchase your plane tickets. We call this the point of no return-unless you wisely followed our advice in the airfare section and got tickets that don't penalize you for canceling your reservation.

As the day of departure approaches your friend's new boyfriend wants to come along. The old one had an irrational fear of crossing the Atlantic Ocean. "I guess that would be OK", you acquiesce. After all, you're basically a nice person.

No, basically you're an idiot.

Rule No. 3: Never travel with a couple.

Don't travel with couple, not even for a week. They may be the greatest people in the world. They may be paying for your airfare. They may have saved you from that rabid dog. Do not do it.

Here's why. It may sound obvious but, THEY ARE HAVING SEX! When people are having sex they will do anything to keep having sex. Are they concerned with your feelings? Only if it affects whether or not they get to have sex in the next couple of hours. They are primarily concerned with each other, because frankly if one upsets the other then they probably won't be having sex that evening, or afternoon, or during the walking tour of the Louvre.

Couples and Accommodation. Then, there's the practical question: when your group books a room will it be a triple, or a double and a single? It won't be dormitory room because the couple won't want to sleep apart. So if they choose a double you get shucked off into a dorm bed, or worse if one's unavailable, you foot the enormous bill for a single.

Worse though, is the triple room option. Your friends think they're doing you a favor by including you, and you all save a couple bucks. Inevitably you'll all have went to bed and about ten minutes later you'll hear your friend whisper, "I think she's asleep". Anyone who's lived in a college dorm room will know the routine. When this happens have the wherewithal to say, "I'm not, you fornicating bastards", unless of course you enjoy listening to your friends' grunting, moaning, and squeaking. Then you're just a pervert, in which case we have tapes-$9.99 apiece, high quality, straight from Grandma's pig farm).

Couples and Meeting Other Travelers. Traveling with a couple is never a good idea, but this is especially true if you're not having sex with anyone. Not that your state of celibacy is likely to change if you are constantly with your friend and her boyfriend. Couples aren't known for their enthusiasm when it comes to meeting other people; they have each other. Since their interest is low, they will want to do things on their own. Hopefully, you've made friends with the girl in the bunk above you because you'll need someone to go to the bar with tonight while your best friend and her boyfriend are having sex in their private room.

Oddly though, if couples do make friends it's inevitably with other couples. Although we are not psychologists, we suspect this is necessary for self-preservation. If a couple finds itself among single people, inevitably jealousy will arise when one member of the couple is drunkenly hit on. While this act only has minor significance for you as a single person, it can be devastating to a pair of insecure lovers. This insecurity is yet another reason (maybe the primary reason) why couples are a black hole for fun and excitement.

A Final Note About Couples. We realize being in couple is not just about sex. Feelings are also involved in couplehood. Big, strong, intense feelings. Feelings that can send normal, well-balanced people into sullen moods or fits of jealousy. At worst, couples can be intensely passionate, quick to anger or ardor. At best, they can be passive, pretending to understand and respect your point of view, but secretly worried whether their partner is happy with the group decision.

For as much as the democratic principle is brought out and paraded for the passing schoolchildren, you'll quickly realize that decisions are being made across the cloth of the bed pillow and not over morning coffee. When your friend suddenly gets the inspiration to visit St. Peter's Cathedral and asks how you feel about it. Even though you hate churches (a sign of a developed aesthetic), you might as well smile and change into long pants, because the decision has already been made.

So, unless you enjoy celibacy and being overruled on travel decisions, don't travel with a couple. Not even for a week.

Traveling Alone

So, you're traveling alone. Either you have no friends or your friends are irresponsible jackasses who forgot to purchase their airline ticket (and never mentioned it to you). No worries. Traveling alone will be the greatest experience of your life. It's an odd phenomenon that travelers suddenly open up to amazing adventures as soon as their traveling companions depart. When traveling alone you will meet more people: more interesting people, more local people, and more people who'll want to have sex with you.

As a solo traveler in Europe, you'll be able to follow sudden impulses without worrying about anyone's feelings but your own. You'll find yourself becoming more impulsive through the intense feeling of freedom electrifying your every breath. You can sit all day at a café trying to get a date with the waiter. You can spend a day on one Greek island and that night on a different one. You can hope off the train at any small village instead of continuing on to Rome. If you need anymore convincing, rent the movie Before Sunrise. It starts with a lone traveler and ends with sex.

But I'm Scared Mr. Rogue, Sir…

If you're a somewhat outgoing person then traveling alone will be a breeze. Meeting people in Europe is not hard. We've found most travelers are extremely social: open to new people, cultures, and experiences. In other words, be friendly. Smile at interesting people in cafés. Introduce yourself to your hostel mates. Thank the bartender for the glass of water that came with your beer. Most people will welcome your friendship and invite you along to meals and sightseeing trips. If not, don't be afraid to invite yourself on other people's journeys. Or just follow them as they leave the hostel. It's only called stalking if you're in the U.S. Overseas, it's called dating.

Solo traveling is freedom at its purest. If you do nothing else in this life, try and experience it once.

Warning: Solo Traveling is Not For Everyone (Or, Oh, For a Friend to Call My Own)

Before you drop your traveling companions and hit the European pavement, recognize that solo traveling is not for everyone. For the introvert, it is an exercise in identity building-a challenge to one's introverted ways. Some people fail (like noted author Paul Auster) to speak to anyone throughout the course of their travels, languishing in single rooms and deluding themselves into believing that their solitude and misery gives them impulse to write great works of art. Another possible downside of traveling solo is the lack of anyone to share your memories with when you're forty, overweight, and overly sentimental.

Women rarely travel alone. Dangers to them are much greater in cultures, such as Southern Italy, where hitchhiking is considered a legitimate invitation to rape. But we've met some brave, independent ladies who've had great success going the solo route. And hey, another option (if you are a single female) is to give us a buzz-maybe we'll travel with you. Although, for some strange reason, our phone only works for leggy blondes and overdeveloped brunettes.

Note to People Not Traveling Alone

We like to think of single travelers as soul-searchers. Invariably, they keep journals, are usually pretty intelligent and sometimes loners. Their social ineptness can be fun to have around, unless they get surly when drinking and begin to covet your body or your sexual conquest. Despite this, we're making a request to all the outgoing groups of European backpackers: invite these lonely guys out for drinks and save the world from another book of bad poetry.

A Quick Review

Once again, traveling can and should be a wonderful experience for you and your companions (even if those companions are just your thoughts and some goldfish crackers). An opportunity like European travel doesn't come around all the time (unlike your horny next-door neighbor). With some much at stake, we thought we better restate the rules. Pay attention, this is the last time we're going to tell you:

Rogues' Rule No. 1: Don't mention to anyone you're planning to go to Europe unless you're willing to bring them along or turn them down.

Rogues' Rule No. 2: Do not travel with anyone who you want to sleep with or who wants to sleep with you.

Rogues' Rule No. 3: Never travel with a couple. Never.

In Case You Still Don't Get It

(Cue the orchestra. The Rogues are about to reveal their sensitive side with a speech stolen from an ABC after-school special).

Remember Johnny: be sensitive to personalities, mistakes, and quirks. People are people and stuff happens. Try to worry less and relax more. Leave your neuroses at home. For God-sakes, don't be passive-aggressive. Europe should be a positive, friendship-building experience and above all, remember: liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, never sicker.