The Rogues' Guide to Europe: Sex, Drugs, and Hostels

PART I: Preparations

Chapter 1: How Much is This Going to Cost Me (I Mean My Parents)? The Rogue's Economic Analysis of Backpacking in Europe

Chapter 2: Identification Please, Suspiciously Strung Out Greasy Studente Americano: Passports and Other Forms of Identity (Cards)

Chapter 3: Immunizations - Needles Aren’t Just For Heroin Anymore

Chapter 4: Booking a Flight and Other Frightening Information About Airlines

Chapter 5: Itineraries (Because There Are Other Places to Go to Besides Hell…or Amsterdam)

Chapter 6: Rail Passes - Quick and Dirty

Chapter 7: Packing - Let The Monkey on Your Back Be the Only Thing Weighing You Down

Chapter 8: Traveling Companions (You Wish You Had Friends)

Chapter 9: Cash, Credit and Barter: Ways to Pay For Alcohol and Sex

Chapter 10: References: Wherein We Review Other Travel Books From the Rogues’ Perspective

Interlude: Arrival (A Dramatization)

PART II: What to Expect In Europe (Where Underage Drinking is a Way of Life)

Chapter 11: Places to Sleep (Besides in a Pool of Your Own Vomit)

Chapter 12: Laundry - Only Necessary If You Plan to Date

Chapter 13: Transportation—Large Speeding Objects Taking You From Place to Place

Chapter 14: Telephone and Internet, Because America is Far Away and Your Boyfriend IS Cheating On You

Interlude: I Don’t Speak the Language For the Tourist in All of Us

Chapter 15: The Sights (i.e., Things to Talk to Your Parents About When You Get Home)

Chapter 16: Photos, Because You Can't Be Expected to Remember What You Did After Ten Shots of Jagermeister

Chapter 17: Souvenirs - Things to Bring Home Besides the Rash Basic Necessities (Food, Alcohol, Drugs, Sex)

Chapter 18: Eating Abroad (Think About It)

Chapter 19: How to Get Drunk (Like We Need to Tell You)

Chapter 20: Drugs (Just Say Hello)

Chapter 21: Sex—The Cherry on Top of the Sundae...and the Cream Underneath

Interlude: Daily Living (If You Could Only Be a Rogue) The Traveling Scene (Dealing With Old and New Friends)

Chapter 22: Temporary Friends and How to Make Them

Chapter 23: Group Dynamics, or When Bobby Wants Betty And Betty Wants Barry and Barry Hates Bobby Interlude: How to Impress a French Model Emergency!

Chapter 24: Police and Thieves (Shameless Clash Reference—Look It Up, NSYNCers)

Chapter 25: Healthcare, Because It's All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye

Chapter 26: Public Facilities (Toilets) and the Weird Men Who Inhabit Them

The Section Containing Chapter 27

Chapter 27: In Case You Decide to Stay: Working Abroad Appendix: Charts and Tables That You’ll Probably Find Yourself Desperately Needing

AIRFARE

Unless your uncle works for American Airlines, airfare will probably be your most expensive purchase. While one certainly could spend up to two thousand dollars to fly to Europe, one would also be a spendthrift idiot. In an earlier chapter, we casually mentioned that one should expect to spend anywhere from four hundred to eight hundred dollars on airfare to Europe. In a rare show of integrity, we stand behind that figure. However, finding such a good fare takes a considerable amount of preparation and legwork. Lucky for you, we've been unemployed for quite some time now, and have spent our few waking hours running up a hefty Internet porn bill-and writing this chapter. If it weren't for the lawsuit, this chapter on airfare would have been titled, "Everything you've Ever Wanted to Know About Airfare, But Were Afraid to Ask". Regardless, you'll see that we still cover: where to get the best deals on tickets, how much those tickets cost, what affects the prices of those tickets; and questions to ask before, during, and after the big purchase. And they say people on welfare are lazy.

Where to Find the Best Fares

There is no single place to obtain the best fares. Instead, there is a growing number of resources through which to find good prices. But screw it. Here at The Rogues' Guide, it's our philosophy to do the work so you don't have to. Frankly, we find it incredibly annoying when we read how-to books that offer an endless list of possibilities and never simply come out and tell you the best way to do something.

Here's what we intend to do: first we will tell you how we get our tickets and then we will outline some of the other options for those of you who like to do things for themselves. In any case, remember if you're flying to London don't pay more than the following:

From the East Coast: Off-peak $375. Peak $500.

From the Midwest: Off-peak $450. Peak $600.

From the West Coast: Off-peak $475. Peak $675.

If you're flying to Amsterdam,

From the East Coast: Off-peak $525. Peak $750.

From the Midwest: Off-peak $550. Peak $850.

From the West Coast: Off-peak $675. Peak $900.

If you're flying to Paris,

From the East Coast: Off-peak $425. Peak $650.

From the Midwest: Off-peak $500. Peak $725.

From the West Coast: Off-peak $550. Peak $825.

If you're reading an old copy of this book (check the copyright date) then simply add four percent to any price listed for each year since the book was published. The change in the price is the result of inflation, which averages four percent a year in the U.S. If you don't know how to calculate percentages then just buy the newest edition of The Rogues' Guide.

In all of our efforts to find cheap airfare we've settled on two websites. Both STA Travel (www.sta-travel.com) and Student Universe (www.studentuniverse.com) offer their own online farefinder. These farefinders are by far the most convenient, least intrusive (it doesn't demand your mother's date of birth just to get a price quote), and fastest method we've found to obtain cheap airfare. They are specially geared to find fares for students and those 25 and under. However, if you look at the restrictions for individual airlines you'll find that some fares don't have any age restrictions. Most fares they list are open-ended for up to a year of travel, which is necessary for anyone who is a long-term traveler. The prices on their websites are often nearly identical, but as they are competitors sometimes one will have a significantly better price. The worst thing about these student travel agencies is that we don't get a kickback from them...yet. However, when you call to book your flight, expect to spend some time on hold. By some time, we mean a long time (but their Muzak is nice and soothing and goes well with a whiskey and coke).

What If I'm Not A Student?

If you're not a student and can't scam a student ID (check Chapter 2 for information on how to scam a student ID) then you better check out Sidestep. Sidestep is a fare finding program that searches through ten computerized reservation systems and pulls out the best prices. We've put it up against all the other search engines (Expedia, Travelocity) and it's always found the cheaper fares sometimes by a margin of five hundred dollars or more. Links to Sidestep can be found at our website (www.rogues-guide.com) or in the free downloads section at www.cnet.com.

Important Note: When you purchase the airline ticket don't expect the seller to list all the restrictions on your reservation. Ask questions before you buy and save yourself a lot of hassle later on.

Now that we've told you where to find the cheapest fares, we'll lay out the three factors that most greatly affect the price of your ticket: your destination, the length of your trip, and your date of departure.

Your Destination

London is our preferred destination. By virtue of its proximity to the United States, it's always cheaper to fly to London than anywhere else. In addition, London is the main hub for air traffic between the United States and Europe, meaning that nearly every airline in the world flies through it. More flights mean more competition among airlines, which means a better price for you and us. If you have no desire to see England, then fly to Rome, Paris or Amsterdam. These cities are just a bit more expensive to fly to then London but are also very popular U.S. destinations. The cost of crossing the English Channel (seventy-five dollars roundtrip by bus to Paris or Amsterdam, one hundred and seventy-five dollars by the Chunnel high speed train) to get to mainland Europe will be more than covered by the additional expense incurred by flying into Paris or Amsterdam, both cities on continental Europe, or the "Continent" as we hipsters like to call it.

The Length of Your Trip

Most people travel no more than a month and have fixed dates that bookend their trip. For these people limitations on the length of stay allowed by the airline is unimportant. Rogues, on the other hand, like to travel for as long as possible with no fixed endpoint in mind. We prefer tickets that are open-ended, allowing us to travel up to a year without restriction.

Reservation Changes and Penalties. If you do choose to extend (or shorten) your trip, then the airline may allow you to change your reservation for a fee. It is the very few who travel to Europe and don't wish they could stay another week or two. It is also very rare that anyone extends their stay; instead they use that seventy-five dollar penalty as an excuse to force themselves to return home. So, if possible book a flight that doesn't have a penalty for changing your reservations.

Important Note: the best solution we've found to the reservation penalty problem is to book our tickets through a student travel agency. Their fee is an acceptable twenty-five dollars. In some cases that fee has even been waived. Recently, one of our recommended travel agencies, Council Travel, raised their reservation change fee to fifty dollars. Hopefully, the other student travel agencies will not follow suit.

Your Planned Date of Departure

Airfares become increasingly expensive as the date of departure approaches. It is best to buy your tickets at least two weeks in advance. Purchasing your tickets a month ahead of time will further insure that you get the best rate going. Generally, the earlier you buy your ticket the cheaper the airfare will be. If you're leaving before mid-May then you'll need no more than two weeks notice to get cheap airfare. Unfortunately, if you plan to visit Europe in the summer and hope to obtain the cheapest fares, you'll have to be prepared a couple of months ahead of time. As the summer season approaches the brilliant deals of spring that flashed across your TV screen disappear like virgins in a fraternity house. The airlines inch their fares up as the weather warms, testing the waters before they plunge ahead with full-fledged robbery. Luckily for you, we've included some advice on how to deal with those oh-so-tricky airlines.

Beware of Peak Travel Rates. Since most people want to travel to Europe in the summer, the airlines jack up their prices in mid-June. At this point, fares are at their highest and thus called peak rates. Peak rates extend throughout the summer into mid August and then return to off-peak levels. It's best to leave before mid-June if you're planning a summer trip to Europe.

Start Your Search Yesterday. If you're so inclined, it would be a wise idea to check out fares every week starting in late March or as soon as you can pin your friends down to a departure date. When you do find a great fare, go ahead and book it. How will you know whether it's a great fare? Just for you, we've established some price guidelines (later in the chapter) so you'll know if Icelandair really is offering a deal "so crazy they should be incarcerated".

Book it Anyway. In some cases, it may be worthwhile to book a flight even if you haven't settled on a departure date in order to lock in an exceptionally cheap fare. A reservation with no penalty for changing your departure date would be ideal. A penalty-free reservation allows you to get a cheap fare in March without worrying about the shotgun wedding you'll be obliged to attend in June because your cousin got knocked up- again.

Again With the Reservation Changes. As the majority of airlines charge seventy-five dollars or more to change your reservations, an advance booking normally will not save you enough to justify the fee for the reservation change. Remember, most fares are in place for a specified period, such as March through May. Changes to your reservation must fall within that period, or else you'll have to pay additional charges. So, don't buy a ticket in March that requires a departure before May 31st and expect to be able to keep that cheap fare when you want to fly out on June 2nd.

Other Resources (Because We Don't Expect You to Trust Us)

Fare Search Engines. As any conspiracy theorist will tell you, the main system for fare quoting (SABRE), from which Travelocity and other Internet fare search engines glean their quotes, is owned by the airlines. It makes one suspect that the fares quoted by these websites may not be the lowest after all. Unless, you believe, as Greg does, that the airline industry acts primarily for the good of mankind. In which case you'd probably believe that 747s are piloted by extraterrestrials. (Bret's note: They really are; go to www.iatepaintchipsasachild.com for the real story).

Auction Sites. Priceline.com - Many people have told us about the excellent deals they've received through Priceline. If you've never heard of Priceline, it is a website where you submit a bid on an item and the bid is either accepted or denied. Basically, you tell them how much you want to spend on something and they choose whether or not to sell it to you. Priceline is far more useful for finding domestic fares rather than international ones, so don't expect much. While you can find a cheap airfare through their site, it will definitely come with restrictions (and we don't like restrictions). We think of Priceline as a last resort. But we did love watching a drunken William Shatner hawk their wares in TV commercials.

Orbitz.com - This website is owned by the same conglomerate of airlines that own the SABRE system. We have never had much luck with their website. The deals are always restrictive, sometimes demanding a return date within a week. Like Priceline, Orbitz lacks flexibility and therefore we recommend that you avoid them unless you're absolutely positive about your itinerary.

Other Sites. Tons of sites on the Internet offer advice on how to fly cheaply. Let us summarize their advice quickly so you won't waste your time slogging through them:

1. Courier travel - Basically, you get a discounted fare in exchange for not using your luggage allotment so the company footing part of your bill can transport a package to your destination. Completely useless for our purposes, the ticket always requires an almost immediate return. Not to mention that with a backpack of any reasonable size you'll need that luggage allotment. In any case the discounted fare is sometimes more expensive than a ticket you could obtain through a bucket shop (see below).

2. Standby flights - You show up at the airport and try and hop on an underbooked flight. Maybe you'll get a discounted fare, or maybe you'll spend your weekend at the airport. A discounted fare isn't even guaranteed and the discounted price often turns out to be more than the fare for a flight booked in advance.

3. Weekly specials - If you're able to pull up stakes and hitch your wagon to a 727 on a couple days notice then sign-up for email notification of weekly specials from your favorite airlines. Unfortunately, international flights aren't as popular candidates for specials as domestic flights, so you risk a summer going by without leaving home.

4. Flying multiple legs of your journey on different airlines - Here's the basic scenario: Fly to Orlando on American. Catch a flight to Brussels, Belgium on CityBird. Hop a train from there and arrive a couple of hours later at your final destination, Paris. Save a couple hundred dollars. If you don't mind juggling the logistics of multiple flights and the even more daunting task of finding which connections to which cities will save you money, then invest the time and save money (and have a crack at Bill Gate's taxes while you're at it, overachiever).

Travel Agents. They get their ticket information from SABRE just like the fare search engines so don't expect much. If you do go to an agent find one that specializes in student and youth travel; they often work out special deals with the airlines to get best rates. Here a couple of the biggest ones:

Council Travel, 1-800 2COUNCIL or www.counciltravel.com

STA Travel, 800 781-4040 or www.sta-travel.com Student Universe, www.studentuniverse.com

In Canada: Travel CUTS, 1-888 FLY CUTS or www.travelcuts.com

One of the main benefits of purchasing your tickets through a large student travel agency manifests itself when you realize you need to change your return date (probably because your Italian boyfriend asked you to marry him). Because these agencies have partners throughout Europe, changing your ticket requires nothing more than a swift visit to your agency's local partner. For a small fee, usually twenty-five dollars, they'll change your reservation and re-issue you a new ticket.

The same benefit applies to stolen airline tickets. If your tickets are stolen, don't try and call the airline-they'll just refer you to your travel agent. Like most people, your travel agent is probably "Dotty from the travel agency in the strip mall over in Pauwaukee, IL". She probably won't be able to do much for you. And if you've bought from Priceline.com? Don't count on Captain Kirk to beam you home. However, if you bought your ticket from a student travel agency, then you can obtain help from any of their international affiliates.

Bucket Shops. Bucket shops are companies that buy large blocks of tickets from the airlines and then sell them to you at a discounted rate. Call them. They have numbers like 1-800-FLY-CHEAP. You can find them by typing "bucket shop" in your on-line search engine, or looking in the yellow pages under "bucket shop". Ask for a quote. See if you can beat the fare quoted with one of the farefinders we recommended. If not, then go ahead and make a reservation. Then "recall" that you forgot to ask about travel restrictions and see if they'll change the reservation without a penalty.

Email Deals. Unless you're extremely flexible don't rely on last minute deals that the airlines offer through email services. These deals usually only include popular domestic routes that have been underbooked. They also tend to be restricted to short-term travel. Oftentimes, you have to return within the span of a week. Besides, those last minute deals are still not as good a deal as a fare obtained through a little legwork and a couple of phone calls. What we're trying to say is you better shop around, just like Mama said.

Television Ads. Avoid end of the winter deals. Often airlines will start offering really cheap fares as winter ends. Be careful, these prices come with more strings than Pinocchio. To begin with, the advertisements are quoting the price of a one-way ticket, and unless you plan to remain forever abroad you'll need a round-trip ticket. Most special offers require you to leave on a day in the middle of the week and return before a certain date - usually before mid-June and sometimes within the space of a few weeks. A limitation on how long you are able to travel will be a nasty surprise if you haven't read the fine print of the advertisement.

Newspaper Ads. Finally, check the weekend edition of the big metropolitan newspapers, particularly the travel or leisure section for advertisements by airfare discounters. Where can you find big metropolitan newspapers and read them with out having to pay for them? Your public library or the local chain bookstore. Sometimes these airfare discounters offer some unbelievable deals on airfare. Be warned that these tickets will most likely have restrictions so ask a lot of questions before you buy. Some questions (and likely answers):

Is the ticket refundable? (It won't be.)

What happens if the ticket is stolen or lost? (Tough luck, kiddo.)

Are there any additional taxes or surcharges? (Oh did we forget to mention.…)

What airline will I be flying? (Afghani "The Terrorist-Friendly" Airline)

How much will it cost to change the date of my reservation? (As much as it costs for a new ticket, sweetness.)

Is there any luggage restriction? (We do require you to carry this brown paper parcel through customs.)

You get the idea, we hope.

You Think You Can Do Better?

If you can find a consistently cheap source of airfare that we haven't found, e-mail us at smartiepants@rogues-guide.com. We'll buy you a beer and Greg will kiss your feet in deference to your cheap airfare finding prowess.